The 10 Spookiest Storylines of the 2013-2014 Season

First things first: credit to Buzzfeed for inventing lists.  I, meaning society writ large, couldn’t have done it, meaning anything, without you.

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It’s October, and this means everything is really scary all the time.  Basketball is a thing, so, it has to be scary too. QED.  So because of math we need to discuss the ten scariest storylines going into the 2014-2015 season.

10) Vigilante Veterans

That is Tim Duncan pointing a gun at Joey Crawford’s head.

It should be noted that that’s not a real shotgun, and that is not the real Joey Crawford’s head.  Joey Crawford’s real head is likely attached to his real body which was presumably somewhere else at the time.  That doesn’t make it any less spooky, though, except it does.

It’s weird that this was somehow OK, but whatever.  Spurs.

9) Pumpkins Coming to Life

That was a cheap shot, but this entire article is a shameful, superficial gimmick, so Felton jokes are about the 4th thing on my list (again, thanks Buzzfeed) of things to apologize for, and I’m not going to apologize for any.  He’s not even on the Knicks.  He’s in Vancouver or something.

8) Zombies

John Salmons could start for the Pelicans.  To get ahead any ongoing confusion: in this instance, “Salmons” is not a grammatically incorrect collection of fish but an actual person. This might be worse because at least fish would be fresh and Salmons is old.  Ha.  Speaking of which:

7) Time Marches Inexorably Onward and We Are Nothing But Dust

There’s an old Polish saying: “Nasz powrót do Ziemi zaczyna się z kolan” which roughly translates to “our return to the earth begins with the knees.”  By ‘old’ I mean “as long as it took for my Polish-speaking brother-in-law to email me a translation so I could use it as an introduction to this Kevin Garnett thing.”  I made it up, and I’m not sure where to go with it from here.  There’s also an old acronym for KG in which the K stands for “knee” and the G stands for “Gdust” because the G is silent.  That makes more sense in Polish too.  They use “z” as a word over there.  Just “z.”  It’s crazy.

6) BEEEEEEES    

By any demonstrable standard, hornets are not bees.  However, hornets are bees, and they’re here again.  They’re replacing the Bobcats, and Bobcats are dangerous too, but sometimes they’re cute. Wasps are not cute, so this is worse.  Wasps are also hornets which are bees.

5) BEEEEEEAS

I don’t know exactly who this is scary for.  Is it scary for Beas because he’s going from the Miami Family to the Z-Bo Other Thing?  Is it scary for Memphis fans because Beasley might be on the team?  Is it scary for Tayshaun Prince because I imagine everything just kind of terrifies him at this point?  Kind of like an elderly dog in a thunderstorm?

Yes.

He went to China anyway, but the ghost of that picture endures.

4) The Proletariat Becoming Enlightened

Cleveland is going to be good.  Long live the King.  This narrative doesn’t make sense, and people are scared of what they don’t understand.  I can’t comprehend a world in which Cleveland is good and Cleveland fans are happy.  Help.

3) I Want to Get Off Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride

“…and a future 2nd round draft pick…”

2) Possession

 

Klay Thompson

For those without ESPN Insider, what that article touches on is that Klay Thompson is the biggest “black hole” in the NBA.  When he gets the ball, he tends to keeps the ball until he throws it at the netted-circle-thing at the end of the court.  And beyond that, black holes are scary.  Infinity collapses in on itself.  Nothing can escape, not matter, not light, not even max contracts.

1) Possession

It’s a cheetah jumper.  Get it?  “Jumper” is British for sweater.  I’m fantastic.

This second entry for “Possession” is not meant in the sense of ball control but in the idea that Kobe Bryant is being subsumed by the spirit of an overinvested college student taking their first philosophy class.  I’m okay with this, honestly.  I like to pretend Phil Jackson and Kobe maintained a book club after the Zen Master left town.  I bet Kobe thinks time is circular because rings are circular and that means he doesn’t actually age and will be in his prime forever and will never retire which means more rings.

Which means Kobe fans would be right.  If that’s not Boosketball, nothing is.

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Boosketball.

Anyway, that completes the #SpookList (check out Buzzfeed, everyone).  It’s all very scary. Trepidation surrounds us.

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